This is where I will write down any possibly profound ideas that I have, along with rants that I use for venting my anxieties. Think of this as like a Twitter feed but out of order and not owned by Elon Musk. Actually, I should probably date these thoughts. Anyways, just scroll through and you might find something profound. Maybe not. I don't know. Also there will be some cursing and a lot of adult stuff so if you are a little kid go read a book or something. Also very unedited.
The main reason I made this site was so that I could vent my anxieties about the modern world. Hence the title. So here is the section where I do that. I am worried about the spread of facism in america and the fact that nobody seems to be doing anything about global warning. Scratch that, Terrified. I only recently realized what it means to be human, and the value of a life well lived, and I am worried that I will never get that value. The world going to shit, along with my ADHD making me go to shit, is really scarring me. I feel like I should do something. Once I land a stable source of income other than my parents, I will start being active. I will start protesting and fighting for my future. I hope I have the courage and will to fight
sorry if that rant was depressing.
Actually now that I think about it this is more like a tumblr blog. I think. I never used tumblr, or twitter, or any other form of social media. The only thing that could count is that I scroll through reddit way to much (without an account) and I made a single youtube video for a school project. It was about moon landing conspiracies and how they are dead wrong. That video was one of the two things that I can say was created by me. The second thing is this website. As of this date, this website has had 76 views. I don't know how the fuck that happend in two days on a website I spend about an hour on and didn't even properly format. The video I spent about a week researching, editing, recording voiceover, and it probably has about half as many views as this website. I guess maybe it's because this is a specific community. If you release a video on Youtube, then it's like a drop in the ocean: no one is ever going to see it again. However, a smaller community is like a drop of water in a lake: still pretty big but it's more likely to come up to the surface. I don't have a big point to make here, I just thought that was pretty cool.
holy shit the view count increased by two in the time it took me to write this page. I know there is someone looking now so Hello! Nice to meet you!
I am grateful that my parents never allowed me on social media. I am grateful that they never gave me a phone until I was in middle school. However, it is also kind of sad. A lot of connection nowadays is done through social media. I wouldn't be surprised if most couples met through dating apps, or most friends started out as online buddies. But I am still thankfull because I can see that true human connection can't be compressed into data. True love can't be turned into an algorithm. And human existance is more valuable than numbers could ever represent
I'm scared that people seem to be forgetting that
I've thought quite a bit about AI art. As someone who both enjoys a lot of art and is going into computer science, I have heard both sides of the disscussion over AI art. One of the big questions that everybody is talking about is if AI art should be considered art. Personally, I don't think that AI art can be considered art. I don't know how to say it, but I can use an example. One of my favorite artists online is Simon Stalenhag, who creates these beautiful futuristic scenes. If you haven't seen his artwork, go look it up in another tab so you know what im talking about. One of the things that makes his artwork great is that the subject matters of his works feel like reflections of our society. Huge machinery towering over tiny citizens, dinosaurs in a time where they should not be there, robots co-existing with humans, the vastness of open space that makes the pieces feel almost gargantuan. His works feel like worlds. He is what I think of when I hear the phrase "a picture is like a thousand words". If I was better at writing, I could go on for hours. The reason I bring this all up is that I saw an AI image made in the style of simon stalenhag. The image had all of the tropes of his work: the brushstrokes, the realism, trees, a little guy, a robotic.... thing. However, the image did not feel like a world. I couldn't tell what the focal point of the image was supposed to be. It felt like someone was born in a room with a bunch of Simon Stalenhag images and told to make something like it. And in a way, thats what AI is. Its got no context for the outside world, and is just fed a bunch of images and is told to make something like this. AI cant make art because the only thing it knows is a bunch of images. Artists take the world around them, complicated ideas and feelings, and turn them into something that others can't understand. AI can't do this, because midjourney or whatever is only trained on artwork. It doesn't know the feeling of ground between its toes. It doesn't know the joy of a small discovery. It doesn't know anything besides art. AI art isn't art because AI is not human. Not yet. In it's current form. AI is an image generator, not an art generator.
Neocities was down today so I had to write this in notepad. Also I looked at my website and noticed some glaring grammar errors (I wrote "that effect probably wouldn't be that effective". God, maximum word counts killed my writing skills). actually im looking closer at the site and I wrote daft punk's discovery as discover. and at least 80 people saw this. please get back up neocities i need to fix my errors.
I've got college that I need to focus on for a bit so don't expect any edits for a few days.
I feel like there is a lot more bad news out there than good news. I hope that it's just because bad news spreads easier.
-
-
I think i'm bi
I've come to the conclusion that I'm either bi, really horny, or have some of the weirdest intrusive thoughts.
ok suddenly a lot of things are making much more sense and a lot of things make no sense now ugh i hate this why didn't i figure it out sooner i hate this ihatethisihatethisihatethiswhydidittakemesolongtofigureitoutihatethisihatethisihatethis
This sucks. Everybody says that being a teenager is awkward, and I thankfully didn't have to go through that. But after I realized I was probably bi all of those awkward feelings suddenly appeared all at once and I just feel like a miserable ball of cringe. ugh. just a couple days ago I was thinking "hey, its interesting how as we get older our past selves feel a bit embarassing, i wonder what i will think of my self in the future." Well it has been a couple of days and I can tell you past self that you were a fucking imbicile who wasn't aware of his surroundings and was stupid. uobghijpkgrfvnmearuioghawfueipfbcep[irvnfawieupfhapewiohfawpoeihf.
I didn't realize that writing down my thoughts was THIS effective as a form of self-therapy.
You know, it's funny. I grew up in a Christian household, and am a firm believer that Jesus is our Lord and savior. I don't think that he should be used in association with gun laws or to discriminate against LGBT people, I still believe against that {e.n, I hate people who truly think that} because it is a bastardization of Jesus' message. But the main point is that I sometimes pray. A lot this week, I was having near debilitating existential thoughts, and I prayed to god to give me a way to get rid of these thoughts. They got worse, and I kept praying. and ON SUNDAY AFTERNOON, I realized I was bi, and suddenly I stopped having existential thoughts because all of that seemed unimportant. I think god has a sense of humor. To be fair, that is pretty funny.
also I am definitally bi. there is this one guy at school, and i was having gay thoughts around him, and i thought that was just really wierd and bad intrusive thoughts, but suddenly it made SO MUCH MORE SENSE.
why is everybody hot
I hope that the rest of my intrusive thoughts are just intrusive thoughts. Like i REALLY hope that the rest are just intrusive thoughts caused by me seeing too much scarring stuff on the internet. I don't want to write down any of them publically because some of them are really fucked up. Because if they are I will need to either see a therapist or throw myself off the nearest bridge as soon as possible. That last one was a joke. Everybody has value. nobody should die. except bankers. fuck bankers.
after thinking about for a total of two minutes, I have a possible solution. The difference between my bisexual intrusive thoughts and normal fucked up intrusive thoughts is that the bisexual thoughts were emotions. like seeing a guy and suddenly having butterflys in my stomach and all that. The intrusive thoughts are just thoughts. like being in a public place and thinking that i could start masturbating furiously, in which case my emotional reaction would be "ew no what the fuck why am i thinking that ew ew ew fuck fuck fuck". My emotional reaction is how I feel about it. The thoughts are just thoughts. The emotions are real.
.........I need to edit this site. It looks like shit. Time for me to learn CSS I guess.
Also 205 views! that's cool.
Sorry in advance to anyone that is annoyed due to the fact that this page went from mildly edgy philosophy to me almost exclusivley talking about me being bi. I'm sorry, but all of that stuff seems a lot less important when my base assumptions about myself turned out to be completley false.
Also, I'm wierdly horny. Maybe it's because a lot more people seem hot now, or my actual feelings about sex have been repressed all this time, but it's weird.
Ugh. I'm used to being attracted to girls, so I know how to deal with that. But I'm not used to being attracted to guys. So they gay feelings are much stronger right now than the straight feelings. I keep thinking that I might be just gay, but then I have to remember "No, you also like tits and vagainas, and you have had female crushes before. You're bi." Ugh. I have a feeling that my current feelings about guys are what teenage girls feel like. I might have to check out a few of those chick flicks that my mom keeps watching. in private though. If my mom finds out, I either have to suffer ridicule or come out to my mom, who I think is slightly homophobic. I don't know what is worse
Coming out to my parents will be a wierd experience. I'm not going to do it right now, and probably not for a while. When I get a stable income and living condition, then it will be safe to come out. I think both of my parents are slightly homophobic. I do think it is less hatred and more ignorance/their sources of news are homophobic, because they are otherwise extremely nice people. I am trying to slowly get them out of their bubble, because I don't want them falling down into the rabbit hole of hatred. If I did come out, I think my dad would be the first to accept me. He has said things along the lines of "don't do that, it looks gay" plenty of times, but he might become more accepting of people like me if he knew his son was one of them. My mom, I don't know. She is very much a christian, and has said that she belives that gay people is a sin. she brought up the whole sodom and gammorah story. according to homophobic christians, the story has god use his divine power to wipe out a town because the people in those towns were gay. I actually read that part of the bible and that interpetation isn't even fully correct. The people in that town were murderers, theives, and the scene in question is ove {e.n, of} the people in the town trying to get a person to give his son to them so they can rape him. I think god killed those people for several other reasons than "the dudes in the town slept together". Whats funny is that other parts of the bible that would not fly today are never brought up. Also, jesus said love everybody equally and greatly, even sinners. Maybe she might be less homophobic when she realizes this. She is pretty transphobic though. Thank god I'm not trans. She would kill me.
I hope to god that my parents never find this site. Especially while I'm still living with them.
I've noticed that I have been much happier recently. Like, I've heard a lot of people say that they are happier being gay/being who they are, but I didn't realize that was a thing that happend. Like, before my realization I was thinking things like "There seems to be a lot of bad news in this world" and edgy shit like that. I still think those things, to a degree, I still think that our world is kind of going to shit and all that stuff, but for some reason it feels like it doesn't matter as much. I was suffering with negative existential thoughts over my spring break. And now I think "so what?" I'm worried that this, I don't know what to call it - euphoria maybe, isn't temporary. That I don't go back to who I was less than a week ago: a crying mess of a man who blames all of his problems on the world going to shit and nothing mattering when in reality half of that is on himself. I hope that this was by breakthrough; my barrier that i needed to pass on the way to becoming a healthier, better person. That would be nice. I am starting to feel those thoughts again. I hope that I'm just sleepy.
I was just sleepy. I wasn't actually thinking debilitating existential thoughts, I was just feeling the exhaustion that usually comes with it. I'm feeling exhausted because I have an incredibly shitty sleep schedule.
.... I need to eat less. I feel like I'm getting a bit overweight, and I feel like I could feel better about myself if I was a bit thinner. Not even super muscular, just get rid of the gut, the man-boobs, and the fat chin and I should be good. Abs would be nice though.
What the fuck. I am re-reading over this page and so much stuff sounds like gibberish. I'm going to start adding editors notes when I see errors that give me physical pain. I won't edit them, because that would go against the point of "these were my thoughts when i wrote this". I really need to write less when I am sleepy.
Also, good news! the debilitating hornyness is wearing off, and I can now look and a guy and not immediately think "I want to fuck him". Well, I still think that sometimes, but it feels much more like the intrusive thoughts of a teenager rather than an intense gay sex drive. It's about the same level as girls now. Phew. for a little bit I thought I might have been completely gay, which would be even more confusing and make large parts of my life make absolutley no sense. At least by being bi everything makes sense (ignore my earlier comment from my first day of being bi where I said that some things made no sense. I don't know what I was talking about and I think that was just me being partially in denial).
I wonder if this site is getting any repeat visitors. I think I would be happy either way
I just added a guestbook/comment area! That was surprisingly easy. I found an easy to implement comment box through "bunnymusicreviews.neocities.org". Go check her out. She seems cool.
It's wierd how anonimity can change your behavior. This might be surprising, but in real life I curse very rarely. Also, many of the thoughts on this page I would probably never share in real life. At some point, If I decide to do something like make music or create a game or some big project that would require me to lower my anonimity for the sake of sharing, I will probably delete this section of the website. I'll probably back it up on a file, and then start writing privately. I'm realizing that a lot of the stuff on this page is a bit too personal. If this was connected to me, that would suck. I'll have to think about this. Not right now though. Got to do homework. I got a test on Tuesday.
Ok, this isn't any personal diatribe or angsty philosophy, I just feel like i need to talk about this. So I was on Genius.com (that site that has lyrics to a lot of songs and annotations to help you understand the lyrics), and I found this strange underbelly of non-music related pages. Some pages that I found include: the famous Navy Seals copypasta. Every single line has an annotation. The yee-yee ass haircut speech from gta V. The team rocket motto. Several entire works of literature (including "One fish two fish red fish blue fish" by Dr. seuss, "The great gatsby", the catcher in the rye, and the entire works of James Joyce). Multiple Kanye rants. The phone calls from Five nights at Freddies. The american Psycho "Hewy lewis and the news" speech. the opening line of law and order svu (the last period has and annotation of "DUN DUN"). Edgar allen poe's "The raven". The entire scripts of Shrek, The Bee movie, and Goldeneye for some reason. I could go on and on. This is both so amazing and so incredibly stupid. I love it.
I have a math test on tuesday. I am having a lot of trouble. For some reason linear algebra is not clicking with me. I am going to need to spend all of sunday studying and making sense of it. aioefapsoeifnaposdicmaesuirfhj. I have really bad habits when it comes to studying. I told myself today "ok, im going to study for most of the day" and instead I spend most of the day on the internet. I barely even remember what I was looking at its like saying that im going to eat healthy and then eating nothing but junk food all day it's not even that rewarding and you feel like shit at the end and you wonder why you even ended up in this situation and apoinpedaenvcaudicjwiefbsdoivuzbdsfijbszfouzjsehfiusrfdzoiesjfhpoawi. I feel like shit.
I guess on the bright side its a better type of feeling shit. like, I'm not feeling like nothing matters and no matter what I do nothing will matter and life is meaningless and existential thoughts kind of shit. It's more of a "yeah i'm a dissapointing piece of crap" kind of shit. Like I know that I can get out of it. That when I do want to not feel like shit and get my life in control I can do it. That feels better.
Nobody has written in the guestbook. Either everybody on neocities is shy, or people aren't getting past the front page. For some reason I kind of hope it is the second. It would mean that I created a front page so shitty that I can hide whatever I want here, despite it being publically available. But if it is the first, please use the comment box. actually, If there are people reading this far, please type "Canon in D is the greatest piece of music ever created" into the guestbook. I think the way I implemented it should be completely anonymous. I think. Also, Canon in D is actually the greatest piece of music ever written. That is my genuine opinion. I might be biased because of evangelion.
Why is linear algebra so hard. I don't know what it is about that class but whenever I try to study my brain bluescreens. And its not because I'm bad at math. One of my few sources of pride in this world is the fact that I was several years ahead in math for pretty much all of grade school. In 11th grade I could go "yes, I know exactly how to solve this complicated derivative" and now I'm just thinking "what the hell is a null space. What is an eigenvector. what are words. fapowehfaseifhpoiahsefoihp."
Also, thank you daze for letting me know that there are people reading this far and that the comment box works.
Has anybody else here had the experiece of hearing someone explain something about a piece of media that you know a decent amount about yet they kind of explain it poorly and in a way that sounds kind of wierd without context and it just causes you to feel massive amounts of cringe and you want to correct them or provide extra context but you know that if you did it would cause you to look like a nerd and that would be embarrasing and the idea just causes you even greater feelings of cringe? No? Just me? ok
Neocities is acting up while I'm writing this, and the only page of mine that you can access is the index.html file. If you are reading this, then that seems to of thankfully gone away. I'm going to start periodically backing this page up, as I'm gaining a sort of sentimentality and don't want to lose any of this.
I've noticed that social trends seem to follow a pattern. First, a thing is created. some people find it and like it. Second, that thing gains popularity. This can happen over a period of hours, days, weeks, months, or years. Third, thing gains critical popularity: It feels like everybody knows about it, and you start getting people who dislike the thing in order to seem cool people start copying the original thing, usually to a lesser degree. Fourth: the thing becomes so common that something new comes along that is different, therefore unique, therefore good. people start leaving the original thing. Finally, the original thing stabilizes in popularity. liking the thing isn't cool or uncool, it's just a thing that people like. I've noticed that a lot of things seem to follow this trend. memes are a very small, fast, and localized version of this trend. Fandoms tend to follow this trend, from undertale to fnaf to homestuck to whatever. Even outside the internet, music genres like jazz and rock have already gone through this whole process. Some interesting examples that show properties of this model: A lot of older, dead game franchises are currently in the final stage. the fanbases are small but loyal. The amount of people who are fans of Gex is probably very small in the grand sceme of things, but boy will those fans really like Gex. In the case of something like a single piece of media / franchise, the cycle restarts whenever a new amount of content is released. This is the reason why Fortnite is still a thing: it releases a lot of content, causing the cycle to reset frequenty. However, whenever the cycle is restarted, the amount of time it takes to get from stage 2 to stage 3 is significantly smaller. This is why fortnite (and other extremely prolific and popular things like Imagine dragons) are such annoyances in the public conciousness: they get to stage three almost immediatley, making them seem perpetually in stage three. Undertale was an example of this cycle happening naturally: it was released, got popular, became way to popular, became less popular, and gained a stable fanbase. Whenever new chapters of Delatrune are released, the cycle goes back to stage two. however, the fanbase of that series tries to either limit the growth into stage three, or try to go to stage 5 as quickly as possible. The MCU was a franchise that managed to get to avoid stage three for a while, at least until post-endgame. now it's consistently going into stage 3-4 with every release, causing a decline in popularity. Homestuck was a really bad example of this cycle. It wierdly got to stage three really quickly (probably because it found and resonanted with its target audience really easily). It stayed in stage three for several years, and couldn't get out of it because there wasn't really any competition to start stage 4. It eventually ended, starting stage 4 and causing the fandom to die down immensly. It is currently in stage 5.
sorry if that was hard to read. just an observation
One thing that I have noticed is that a lot of people on the internet seem to be able to easily find music that I have never heard of. Like, whenever I see a music reccomendation page, there is like 15 artists and albums that I have never heard of and one artist that I have heard of. I don't know if my taste is basically "likes what the internet tells me to like", but it does feel a little bit like it. I know that if I talked to the average person in real life they would have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, but online it feels like these bands are some that everybody knows. Like, My parents had absolutely no idea who Sufjan Stevens was, but he is popular in many online spaces that he is viewed as mainstream. I think maybe I'm staying at the surface level of things and not really jumping into the more obscure stuff. I guess a good example is that while writing this I was listening to the song "踊り子" by Vaundy. I adore this song, and my parents probably wouldn't know who this is or what this song is. However, it's got 57 Million views online, and I found this artist because of anime (specifically he did the first ending for the chainsaw man adaptation). I have a feeling if I went deeper, I could learn about a bunch of wierd japanese artists. I kind of am starting to do that to some degree (I saw Bocchi the Rock a few months ago, and loved it so much I looked into some of the japanese indie rock scene. Some of this stuff is REALLY GOOD. Rock isn't dead. It just moved to Japan and England). I guess I need to find a few genres that I really like and just explore them.
Is it TikTok? Are people finding some of these songs because they get TikTok famous? I wonder
I think I might be starting to burn out. It's weird, because I feel like my ADHD has been keeping me from working lately. I wonder if you can get burn out just from getting stressed with work. I need to go to bed. .... Am I getting burnt out because I'm not getting enough sleep? Okay thats it goodb
I just realized that music reccomendation algorithms like spotify and youtube are probably where people are hearing new music.
Yeah I'm probably burning out. It's probably stress.
If you are a person who has tried to watch artsy movies but found them slow and boring, I would reccomend the movie "Playtime" by Jaques Tati. It is a film that could be described as "A guy walks around some office buildings being confused and then goes to a restaurant where things kind of fall apart", but it is still engaging because there is so much goofy stuff happening in the background. Like, in the first shot of the movie, you can see what looks like a mannequinn in a glass display case. But if you look really closely, that mannequin is actually a person that moves from time to time. In that same scene, there is a janitor that appears several times, looks at the floor, and looks confused. The floor is completely spotless by the way. There is so much stuff happening in every shot, that it feels less slow and more like a feast for the senses. And this movie taught me something that has made me appreciate slow films: long scenes are made with a purpose. whenever a director has a long shot, or lingers on a scene, or keeps everything still, its for a reason. Understand this and so many more films become enjoyable
Also, I got into Georgia Tech!!!!!
Also, I have confirmed that my parents are probably transphobic. I just don't know if they are homophobic.
Ok my mom is probably homophobic. And no, this has nothing to do with april fools. I guess I'll stay in the closet until I have a stable income and a place I can live that does not include my parents. So, in this economy, probably 30 more years. kidding. At least now I have some motivation to find a place to live and an income that is not my parents. Maybe I should live at Tech over the summer. That should give me a good place to grow up away from my parents. Also I heard that people at college fuck like rabbits so that should probably be helpful in figuring out my sexuality.
500 views!!!!! YAY!!!!!
so I've been listening to some new music. The two artists that I'm listening to the most right now are Parannoul and Tyler the Creator. First, let me talk about parannoul. My first experience listening to this korean dude was hearing the song "Polaris" on bandcamp. If you have not heard this song, go check it out it is amazing. The song starts out with a standard-ish intro, then gains some unique instrumentation from the drums and bass, and goes on like this for about two minutes while the dude sings in korean. Then all of a sudden the song just fucking EXPLODES into this wall of shoegazy, post-rock sound that somehow still has descernable melodies to it. I really like this song. so far, I haven't listened to the whole album that this song is from, as I am going through his discography. His first album "To see the next part of the dream" was what I checked out first. The production isn't as good, but the songwriting is still great. Also I checked out the lyrics and at times felt like this dude was looking into my soul. I'm not kidding, the lyrics to "White Ceiling" made me genuenly cry. Also, this guy apparently did a live performance recently and Polaris is the opening track and holy shit it sounds so good live especially because at the start the mixing is quiet so the crowd sounds quiet so you turn up your volume and the explosion of sound just sounds so incredible and I hope this won't cause me to lose my hearing but if it does it will be almost worth it.
also, I've been checking out Tyler the creator. I listened to Igor a while back but didn't really click with it, but I will check it out again later. I listened to flower boy for the first time and thought it was pretty good. It didn't entirely click with me, but I can see why people like it so much. Also, the way he dances during live shows is the exact way I dance when I'm at home and I don't know if that's a bisexual thing or a weird kid thing but I feel seen.
Frank Ocean is Radiohead for people who have sex. I will not explain myself further
Weezer is country music for virgins. I will not explain myself further
I am currently trying to get housing over the summer at Georgia Tech. My parents think that it is so I can get adjusted to the living at college life. That is part of it, but another part of it is that I can confirm whether I'm bisexual or not. Also to have sex. Haven't had it before. seems like it might be cool. hopefully I can learn the social skills required to have sex and also make friends but just as important have sex. sex sex sex sex. I hope that the "college students have a lot of sex" rumor has some truth to it. Hey, if anybody reading this can confirm whether this is true, could you tell me in the comment box? Thanks in advance.
I should add a music listening diary. yeah that sounds like a good idea. this page has all the personal stuff and the music listening page has me talking about how much I love radiohead or something. Yeah. That sounds good.
I just realized that I outed myself as a virgin and then almost immediatley said I was a radiohead fan. God I am a fucking stereotype. I thought that I wasn't because I thought I was a straight dude who just happened to like a lot of stuff made by gay people but now I know that's not true because I am also gay and all of that seems normal now. I like it like that. realizing I'm bi would've probably felt much more alienating if I did it sooner, but now it just makes me feel more normal. Wierd.
Also I just figured out how to use itallics. I can do this and nobody can stop me.
Werewolves are cooler than vampires. One is a giant monster that is also just a dude most of the time, and the other is just antisocial rich guy who lives in a castle most of the time and needs to kill people to survive. One can only be killed by silver bullets, and the other will pratically fall apart at the touch (garlic, the sun, a stake to the heart, the sun, the motherfucking sun these guys die at the sun how the fuck does anybody think these are cool). I know that people think vampires are hot but, counterpoint, who says that a werewolf can't also be hot? im not talking about the wolf im talking about the dude that he is for 3/4ths of the month. Also, just prepare a lot of steak every month and you should be good.
also you can use werewolves in stories for so many thematic elements. you can use them to represent masculinity, femmininity, racism, sexuality, classism, pretty much anything. A vampire is always just "rich dude but evil in a supernatural way as well as the normal way".
People who base their tastes on what they think is cool are just pathetic. If you actually like [insert artist that a total of 2 people actually listen to], then good for you. But if you only like them because nobody else does, then you are a loser. Also, just to prove that I'm not one of those people, I will state my controversial opinion about music. Drumroll please .,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,., I don't think Imagine Dragons is that bad of a band. And there goes any cool music dude points that I had.
I'm wondering if I'm trans or not. I don't think I am. I previously thought the idea was ridiculous, mostly because I thought I was straight. Now that that barrier is gone, I am having some really wierd questions. I'm pretty sure that the thoughts about gender in my head can be boiled down to "If I could have a girl's body for a week, I would take that opportunity, and mostly out of curiosity for how a vagaina and tits feel." I previously asked myself this question and even looked online for answers. I very soon found the idea of "Imagine people calling you a girl; if that feels good, you might be trans". The idea of people calling me "she" or "they" feels degrading, and I quite like being a dude. In fact, I'm very self-concious about the fact that there is a little bit too much fat around my chest area. Ok, now that I'm writing about this I think that this feeling I'm currently having has nothing to do with wanting to be trans or fear at the idea but just exhaustion in my chest. Also, I've looked it up and it seems that people's experience of realizing that they were trans is much different than what I'm currently thinking/possibly feeling. Holy shit yeah I'm just exhausted. It turns out that writing things down is still a helpful way of performing self-therapy.
I've started watching Jojo's Bizzare Adventure. Holy shit this show is so stupid. I love it. I mean seriously, who names the main villains for a large segment of the show "Wham", "Cars" and fucking "AC/DC". Like seriously what the fuck is going on in this show. I can say something like "the main character stuffs a pigeon into a woman's mouth to prank the guy he is currently fighting who is also 5 feet away and somehow doesn't see this and we only know this once the dude that the main character is fighting tries to kiss the woman and gets a mouthful of pigeon" and the people who haven't seen this show are thinking "what in the everloving fuck are you talking about" and the people who have seen the show are like "yeah lol that was funny". What the fuck
If what I said interested you, just a warning the show is kind of meh until episode 10. You unfortunitally have to watch those first 9 episodes for things to make sense. after that though, you can enjoy the show
I was on the train for the first time since the pandemic. I was with my mom, and we were on the train in order to check out the Georgia Tech campus. I had only been on the metro train a few times before. The last time was at some peroid before covid, I can't remember when. I remember it being calm. peacefull. Safe. On the train today I saw a guy who looked very sick. He was coughing, and there was snot all over his arm. We changed cars, or cabs, or whatever they're called. There were a lot of homeless people on the train. One person came in who smelled horrible. I didn't know that a person could smell like that. On the way back from campus, there was a guy laying down, listening to rap music through his earbuds. He was singing along. Loudly. I was annoyed, then uncomfortable. My mom was scared. I found out that my mom has a slight racial bias. mainly towards black, homeless people living in urban cities. She thinks these people are addicted to drugs because they are weak and can't be helped. I think those people were addicted to drugs because of external factors. I had a bad time trying to explain. She no longer wants to take the train. Ever again.
I have been shelterd from the bad parts of the world. There are people out there who are truly suffering, and they live less than an hour away. People like my mom don't want to help because they believe that they can't be helped because they don't want help. I can't help because I don't have a way to. I belive that the reason they are like this is because they have been screwed over.
I realize now that were i live is a utopia compared to what some people have to go through. I don't know if my mom is right or not. I want to believe that every human has the capacity for change. I don't want to believe that someone can get in a position where they can't change their behavior. My mom said don't give money to a poor person because they will just spend it on drugs. I don't want that to be true. I felt like the world was ending a while ago, but I convinced myself that it wasn't that bad, that a lot of people live like I do, that the reason that everything seemed so shit was because the internet refracts all of the bad stuff even though it isn't actually that common. Yet I get on the train once and there is a man covered in snot, and my mom's reaction to seeing a person like this was to leave, and I fucking followed along. Mom said it was a drunk person. I don't know. I think they needed help. I'm worried that I could have helped, but I didn't. If alcohol does that to a person then I never want to touch a drop of alcohol. I should have helped. I don't know if I could have helped. I don't know if helping would have worked. I know inherently that the problems are caused by systemic issues, but I don't know how to change those systemic issues. I feel helpless. I shouldn't. I should get up, and do something. I should work hard, and get into a position where I can change things. I can make friends, join groups, donate, protest, I'll do a lot. I should do something. I will start carrying cash on me. To help donate. I don't know If i should. I'll look into this.
I feel like I was a kid. An idiot. A self-absorbed kid idiot. Hell, a few days ago I was thinking "I wonder what a vagaina feels like oh no does that mean I'm trans". No you stupid idiot. You stupid fucking idiot. I think I can still smell that person from the train. A lot of stuff feels unimportant now. I was studying linear algebra. Who the fuck cares about linear algebra there are people on trains who can't get a good shower, who are coughing up so much snot their arms are covered, who have to sleep there because they have nowhere else. But I got to learn it. Because if I don't, helping those people will just put me in just as bad of a position. And I can't help anybody after that. Is that just an excuse. Is that just what society wants me to think, the excuse that causes me to just go along, while people are suffering, to not do anything?. FUCK. FUCKFUCKFUCKRFUFISDAFIOAEPFAEEWUIFABUEDCFABWUECFBUIORGBUGB. I need some time to process. I'll just do work. It's all I know how to do. Fuck the system. Fuck lobbyists who make the american people have worse lives for the sake of money. fuck the politicians who gain from the lobbyists. fuck the rich. I want a rich person to go into those streets. ride that train. see what I saw. See the people suffering. feel like you can't help. But you can motherfucker. Fuck me for not helping. fuck me for getting emotional after having a crisis of faith in humanity after seeing one dude with a lot of snot, another who smelled, and a third who was a douche. I'll be at georgia tech over the summer. I'll try to help. I will make other people near me understand, and have them help. Fuck the system for not making us care. That's how they win. If something like this happens, don't get sad. get angry. get fucking mad. and use that anger to better yourself. to do something.
sorry if that was depressing, or badly written, or whatever. I just needed to write something down. man, my parent's don't get my way of seeing the world. I need to make some friends, be able to vent. Sorry. Georgia tech looked nice.
Ok so I think I recovered from that experience. I am glancing at what I wrote and it looks like the ramblings of a mentally ill teenager. I'm okay.
So, it turns out that I'm not going to be able to live at georgia tech over the summer. apparently you need 12 credits in order to say on campus. lame. So it looks like I'll either have to deal with traffic or ride the marta. Shit. Well, apperently one of moms friends said that when she went there weren't a lot of hobos on the train. If I go again. I will have to wear a mask. I feel like I'm just writing here because I don't want to do schoolwork. even though I have a quiz tommorrow.
So I found out that there is a trial version of FL Studio. Thats cool. Already installed it. I looked it up, apperently you can't reopen projects with the trial version, which sucks, but that just means I need to do good.
I have a theory about people. I think that emotions and mood and feelings can change with the seasons. In the summer, you expect happiness, bright positive emotions. In the winter, everything is cold and depressing. Spring and Fall are transitions between those two states of being. I like to categorize some albums with months of the year. Like, you would only listen to Neutral Milk Hotel sometime in the late spring / early summer, and you would only listen to something like "The Glow pt. 2" by the microphones in the late fall / early winter. depressing bands like the smiths and "have a nice life" are for the middle of winter. Tame impala is pretty good in the middle of summer. You see what I mean.
With all of that being said, the fact that I'm not feeling that mentally well is probably not a good sign. I just listened to "Komm Susser Tod" from the evangelion soundtrack. I listen to it when I feel really sad. It actually made me feel slighty better, because I realized that the lyrics were so depressing that my feelings were more tame in comparison. I listened to "Guts theme" from the berserk soundtrack. I cried to it. I feel better now
I have a theory about the debate over if games can be considered art. I believe that games are only just starting to mature as an artform. I like to compare the history of games to the history of movies. Movies started off of as novelties for the first couple decades of their existence. These films created early film techniques that are still used today, such as jump cuts, close-ups, etc. In other words, these films created the building blocks of filmic language. After a while, these early films (such as charlie chaplin films) started to become less popular. the next couple of decades of film were spent refining the filmic language, along with a wierd obsession with making films like stage plays because plays were considered the highest art form and movies should be an extension of that. There were some films that managed to be like stage plays, but used their strengths as a film to improve the story (i'm specifically thinking about 12 angry men. That movie is great and holds up surprisingly well). After this period, filmmakers started to understand how film language can be used to tell an effective story, and what the strengths of the medium were. This is where we got the films that anyone nowadays can watch and thing "yep, thats a masterpiece". Now let me describe the history of games. Games in their first few decades were a novelty. The early games introduced mechanics that games nowadays still use. Eventually, there was a wierd trend were games tried to replicate the language of movies in order to tell their stories, because movies were seen as a superior art form. Some games understant the strength of the medium, and while also being cinematic they use the strengths of the medium to enhance their stories (like the last of us or Red Dead Redemption. I have not actually played either of these games, but I assume that's why people like them). We are currently in this era, and the best works of the medium are in our future. Now, this isn't a perfect comparison. The current video game market is like if Charlie Chaplin movies were still just as popular as every other type of movie. However, It becomes obvious that we still have a ways to go.
Some games that I think will be considered ahead of their time when dissusing the history of games: Undertale, Omori, Disco elysium, the last of us, RDR2 (i might be wrong about those last two), maybe hades (I'm just making a list of games that I like aren't I). David cage games will be considered like alfred hitchcock's "Rope": an interesting experiment, but in no way the best of the medium. Also, I heard in a youtube video by some guy named matthewmatosis or something that games are closer to animation than live action which is something that makes perfect sense.
Ok, I want to try my hand at some form of critical analysis, so today I will talk about how Inigo Montoya from the 1987 movie "The Princess Bride" has one of the best revenge plots in all of fiction. Spoilers ahead, go watch the princess bride. The story is setup about 25% into the movie (I don't know the specifics, I don't have the movie up and I am just using clips. Maybe later I'll use editors notes to provide better timestamps), during the scene where Inigo helps westley climb up the cliffs. Inigo need a way to show that Westley can trust him, so he says "I swear on the soul of my father Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive". This causes the audience to think "Who is this guy's father, is he dead or something, I want to know more". After he helps westley up, Inigo asks if westly has six fingers on his right hand. This introduces the idea of a person with six fingers, and leads to some funny banter. He then says "My father was slaugtered by a six-fingered man". He then proceeds to tell his story, which helps paint the six-fingered man as a heartless monster. It tells the story about why his father is dead, gives his sword a backstory, and shows that he has scars on his left and right cheeks, like a less creepy looking joker. He then says that when he finds the six fingered man, he will say "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." At this point in the movie, we don't know who the six fingered man is. All of this seems more like backstory to give the upcoming fight weight. And it is an amazing fight scene, showing off the skills of both westley and Inigo. Much later in the movie, we learn that the six-fingered man is not only an active part of this story, but an ally of the main antagonist. The movie continues until Inigo and the six-fingered man meet each other again. The six-fingered man orders 4 guards to attack the group and keep Inigo alive. Inigo decimates them. Inigo then says his line: "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." The movie seems to be setting up a duel, right there, right then. The six fingered man runs away like a coward. This moment is great because it shows that this person that has caused our heroes harm, once put in a situation where he is not in full control, runs away like a little baby. This causes a chase scene through the castle, ending with another cowardly move: The six-fingered man throwing a knife as Inigo turns a corner. The six fingered man recognizes Inigo, and makes his quest for revenge seem worthless and failed. It seems like his story ends here, with sad irony. However, after a brief cut away with buttercup and westley reuniting, giving us a little hope, Inigo pulls the knife out. He is weak, but he says his line again. "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die". The six fingered man attacks him, Inigo blocks, even though he gets wounded more. He says his line again. The six fingered man attacks harder. Inigo blocks. He says his line. The fight goes on, Inigo getting stronger, repeating his line almost like a madman. The music swells. He wounds the Six fingered man. He says his line again. "NO" says the six fingered man. Inigo slashes the man's left cheek. "Offer me money", inigo says. "Yes" the man responds. Inigo slashes the other cheeck. "Power too, offer me that" Inigo says. "All that I have and more, Please" says the man. "Offer me everything that I ask for" say Inigo. The man says "Anything you want". We think that Inigo has gone slightly mad, and we know that the man is desperate to escape. the man lunges forward, and Inigo stabs him. "I want my father back you son of a bitch". This line is perfect. It shows that this whole time, Inigo was completely sane and cool. He knew what he was doing. In another movie, this would be the line that the hero says much before the fight, and that hero would learn that revenge isn't the answer, that he can't get his father back. But Inigo knows that. He knows that revenge won't bring his father back. But he knows that it is the next best thing. It's karma in its sweetest form. I just realized that the sword Inigo stabbed the man with was his father's sword. It's justice. Inigo makes the man think that he wants revenge for petty reasons. He makes the man think that he thinks like the man, that he will resort to cowardice and cheating. And he kills the man while stating that not only is he the better fighter, he is more honerable than the man will ever be. It is one of the best lines in cinema. Also, I don't think there is much cursing in this movie, which makes this scene even better.
Ok, First, today is 4/20, so, lol i guess
second, Does Neocities make any of your updates public? because I am a compulsive saver and would like to have things private when i'm trying to figure out css and other things
Third, I am once again wondering If I'm trans or not. I have a feeling that if I had someone to talk to about this, I would worry a lot less. Unfortunately, I don't have any body close who is knowledgeble on these topics, so I just have to rant here. I think realizing I'm bi kind of ruined a lot of my mental defense mechanisms. Like, whenever I had wierd feelings, I just chalked it up to intrusive thoughts. Now I'm constantly questioning myself over every stray thought I have. Because I definitally have intrusive thoughts. I couldn't live with myself if they weren't. I'm hopeing that these are just an age thing, a lot of these thoughts are sex related so it might have something to do with me just being horny. If thats what It is then that would be the best thing ever.
At times I think I might just be gay. This is probably stemming from the fact that right now, I'm thinking much more about guys than girls. Maybe It's because I'm not used to this, maybe it's because I like guys more. Maybe I would be much more open to that fact if it wasn't for the fact that this house I live in is much more conservative than I am.
ugh. I'm kind of hopeing that when I get to Georgia Tech, I'll be able to explore this more. If I get to georgia tech. That fact is based on whether I get good grades on my finals. Shit. If I get bad grades on this I'll have to live here for a much longer time. Shit Shit Shit. Oh god. I have to do good on this. Fuck. There was a final in physics lab today and I didn't worry about it because I thought it was just 3 percent of my grade but now I'm finding out that it is 15 percent of my grade and that If i did bad on it it could screw up my chances of georgia tech. Shit Shit Shit Fuck Fuck Fuck.
I have trouble making friends. I have the unique prediciment where I have trouble making friends in real life but I can't use the internet to help with that fact because I have been trained by my parents to avoid social media like the plauge. They're more open to me using it now that I'm older and I'm going to start needing it, but They probably should of made that clear from the start that this is a timed thing and not a forever thing.
I've been listening to some music that is way too loud and noisy. I used to say "I don't like noise music". I still very much don't (I just opened up merzbow for a second there just to confirm and yup, still sounds like a computer being possesed and stabbing itself), But I'm much more open to distortion now. I heard somewhere that trans people tend to like noise music. That's part of why I'm thinking about that. I need to listen to quieter music. my ears are starting to slightly hurt. dang it. I haven't had the best week. Scratch that best month. I haven't been sleeping enough and I feel tired. and I need to not be tired because a significant part of my future is dependent on me doing good on several tests. aaaaaaaaaaa. Oh hey I realized I was bi about a month ago. Happy one month anniversary to me realizing that I have the self awareness of a goldfish. fuck
I hope that my ramblings didn't lose anybody. Hey, gub and daze, I checked out your websites. they're pretty cool. I need to fix up this website. after finals though. I don't need another distraction. I just realized that neocities doesn't show if there are new visitors. so for all I know It is just the same 3 or so people visiting this site over and over again. I don't know how to feel about that. Man, making stuff and sharing it with the world feels weird as fuck. I should start making those things that I wanted to make. Write some music. Make those game ideas. After finals of course. The shitty thing about ADHD is that I get the motivation to do something, but by the time I get to doing that thing the motivation fizzels out. I wonder if that's an ADHD thing or a normal people thing. Wow I am just rambling. holy shit.
I'm starting to realize that writing my bad opinions in public was... not a good idea.
So I tried to add a background image today. It's not showing up. I wonder if it's because neocities is slow or I messed something up
It's because neocities is slow
Finally done with finals. Ugh. I'm so tired. I haven't slept a wink. That was a beatles reference. bonus points to whoever got that. but seriously I'm kind of exhausted. I tried to edit the way this page looks, and overall i'm happy with it. It manages to look stylized without me having to know a lot of coding. The background image is from a parannoul album cover. I used photoshop to extend it. well, free online photoshop called photopea. I couldn't figure out some other stuff, so I had to make the page background the same as the album cover. I like the new look, but sometimes the white text overlaps the smoke, and you need to highlight it to see. I'm trying to figure out a way to have some empty space at the bottom of a page. Maybe tommorow. Too tired.
Never mind I did a 30 second google search and figured it out.
Currently, I take ADHD medication in order to help me with my focus. However, whenever I don't need to do schoolwork, I stop taking the medication. This is so that i can "detox" from the medication, allowing it to work better when I get back on it. I think. Anyways, I'm a little bit scared because the last time I stopped taking my medication was over spring break, and I had extremely debilitating existential thoughts. Hell, this website started out as a possible way to deal with it. I hope that was a one time thing. I hope that me realizing I was bi actually did stop the existential feelings, and that I am better. I guess I'll see.
Also I wonder if there is a way to control when your site says that updates are happening.
Ok, so far existential thoughts have not been appearing, so thats good. Well, one did happen, although it was much more normal. I had to take out the trash to the curb when it was mostly dark because i forgot. on that dark street, the world felt empty. i could easily imagine that existance ended several hundred feet away. that the world was small, and cold. and i was uneasy.
But that is almost certainly liminal space bullshit, and nowhere near as bad as spring break. now that I think about it, many of the past experiences I attributed to existential thougths might just be some form of liminal fear. Huh. Well I guess that's just how my brain works. I attribute things incorrectly and still think that I am self aware. I am still pissed off at myself over the fact that I didn't realize I was bi until I was 18 because I thought it was just intrusive thoughts.
Oh also I've been playing the original Myst. It's pretty cool. the environments are nice (and very liminal, something that probably added to my feeling earlier) and the puzzle's aren't too hard. They still feel good though. Maybe I'm just really, really good at puzzle games. i don't know.
Also, My final grades came in and I will be able to transfer to Georgia Tech!!!!!! I don't know why I remembered that last but still it is awesome!!!!. I won't be staying at the campus over the summer, as apparently you need 12 credits to be able to stay. but still I feel great.
The front page has something wierd with the background image. I can't figure out why it isn't working. hold on
Ok I figured out the problem I just need to figure out how to fix it. Ok Computer Science Student, you can figure this out
I didn't figure out the problem with the front page. I'll get to it. Also I got 2 vaccines yesterday because I needed them for Georgia Tech (HPV and Hep-B vaccines), but they seem to have given me a headache/fever/stuffy nose. Just as a feel like my mental health is on a rise, my physical health gets worse. Just my luck. I forgot how goddamn annoying a stuffy nose can be. UUUGGGHHH. For those who are still reading, I will probably be updating this site less. Mainly because I am on a break so not much is happening, plus my mental state is much better so I don't really need a place to vent my thoughts. I'll still update from time to time though.
A few hours ago I had some idea that I thought was profound and though "Hey I should write this down on my website". I forgot what it was. Bummer
I recently got FL Studio. I'm going to try to make something with it. That would be cool.
Trigger Warning: I will be talking about some heavy stuff such as death and suicide. Don't worry, I'm good mentally, I just felt like i needed to vent this idea
One of the most existentially terrifying things to me is the idea of listening to a last song. At least twice now, I've seen comments on youtube saying something along the lines of "This is the last song I will ever listen to, and I am glad it was this". The first time I saw a comment like this, It was on an upload of a song from the chainsaw man OST. The replies to the comment were what you would expect; "don't do it, wait for the rest of the season to finish", "There are people who love you", etc. The comment was several days old. Even If i was logged in, there was no way I would be able to do anything. The idea that this song, this ok, somewhat sad track from the chainsaw man ost that wasn't even close to the best track, would be someone's last song, terrified me. I think the idea that someone was so desperate for some sense of closure in their life that they listened to this track and decided that this was good enough. I felt sad. The second time I saw a comment like that was on a Nujabes song. It was a hour long edit of the song "Aruarian Dance", and I used that track for studying. I saw the comment. There were thankfully much more replies, as it was a much more popular video, so I hope that that person didn't end it. I think the idea of a final song scares me because I know that no song is good enough for the end of a life. No song can provide a satisfying ending to your troubles. No song can have an emotion good enough to serve as the bookend to a life. I hope those people are okay. I really hope. And I know that even if they aren't, there is nothing I could do about it. I didn't know them. If they did it they were too far gone. Heck, maybe they didn't end their lives intentionally. Maybe they were dying of cancer or something, and that was a song that they happened to hear last. I hope that's what it was. Maybe It was just a copule of trolls. I don't know. I hope they are okay.
Okay, done trauma dumping under the pretense of "being unfiltered". My day was good overall. Still have a stuffy nose, and my sleep schedule is shit, but everything else is fine. How are you doing?
I figured out that the reason the image on the homepage isn't flat with the bottom is that the image is only going to the bottom of the content of the page, not the bottom of the screen. I know I could just put a little bit of white space at the bottom, but there has to be a cleaner solution. Or maybe not. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. But that's okay
I came out to my mom today. Kind of. During the middle of a conversation about LGBT issues, I essentially brought into the conversation the idea that I might be bi. Not that I was, but that I thought I might be. That way if she reacted negativley, I could back out and if she didn't, I could move a bit towards the fact that I am bi. It went well. The end result was that currently she thinks that I probably just need to meet some more people, preferably girls. But I also got the information that if I am actually Bi it would be a very hard fact to accept, but she won't disown me or anything like that. She would just view it as a bit wierd. Like how she views the fact that I have ADHD. I think that's okay for now. At least I know she won't hate me for it. And I kind of came out to someone in real life. Yeah. This is good.
It would be really funny if this is the update that causes this site to have 1000 views. Scratch that, not funny, but poetic.
I think that when me and mom are closer to the "I'm bi" point, then maybe I'll tell her about the event where I realized I was bi (for those who don't remember, 3-20-2023). That will be a very awkward/fun time. I think the reason I was relaxed enough to come out is that Today was orientation day at Georgia Tech, and we were both kind of tired.
My summer class at Georgia Tech started monday. It seems cool. I'm only taking one class, so it is overall low stress. However, that means that because there is a lot of time, my ADHD acts up and causes me to put off the work. Yay. At least I am overall getting better at pushing myself to get work done earlier. Maybe I'll learn to fully control it, or just grow out of it. I don't know.
I've been thinking a little bit about whether I'm trans or not. It kind of sucks how, now that I realized I'm not straight, I'm now questioning my gender as well. Maybe the reason I'm concerned so much about it is transphobia passed down from my parents. Actually writing that out loud makes a lot of it make sense. I think that my perception of trans people is based on a lot of possibly untrue stereotypes. Maybe when it comes down to the actual core of it, there are a lot of differences. However, that was partialy how I convinced myself I was straight. dang it writing that down made me question myself a lot more. Maybe I'm just a kind of femminine guy, and that's where the confusion came from. When I view it from that angle, a lot of the things that I thought could be signs of being trans actually make more sense. I didn't get along with the guys at school fully, but to be honest I didn't really get along with the girls either and was just bad with people. I am more on the emotional side, but men being not emotional is almost certainly a harmful stereotype. I think the thing that was scaring me the most was the fact that quite a bit of the media that I like is also liked by trans people. That might just be because those things are also liked by LGBT people in general. Yeah. I kind of hope that I don't realize that I am actually trans, look back at this, and think "holy shit this kid was coping hard". Well I guess another thing I can say is that I realized I was bi all at once, and only when I genuenly considered the fact. The fact that I am thinking about this so much and still coming up with "unsure, but probably not" is a good sign. Yeah I think I'm just being confused about my gender because I realized I was wrong about my sexuality and now can't take anything I believe about myself with 100% certainty. Sorry for writing a whole paragraph that went nowhere.
(writing this several hours later) Yeah I just needed to take a walk I feel very cis and I am good with that. On a completely different note, this computer science course is getting a little bit hard. It uses Java, and I am used to using Python. For those who aren't familier with either, Python feels like driving a new car, while Java feels like driving a car where the dashboard has fallen out and you have to figure out your speed by counting the number of popping noises per minute the engine makes, all while everything feels like it is a single tiny collision away from falling apart like in a cartoon. If you can't tell, I like python more.
I wonder if there is a way to get more followers. I know that trying to reach for more followers and likes and views is a surefire way to get into a social media addiction, but still, I kind of wonder.
This page has 996 views at the time of writing. This update might give me the last 4 that I need. That would be cool. I think to celebrate I will read over this entire page and see what I think of it.
1,000 views WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah I read over this entire page and cringed a lot. At least I know that is because I am growing as a person. Also, If you are reading this, Hello!
It has been nearly one year since I have graduated High school. I think this past year I've grown more emotionally and mentally than I have ever done in my life. A year ago, I was practically a child with no social skills who placed way too much self worth on his academic ability and was heading towards a downward depressive spiral. Now, I have much more social skills, feel much more mentally stable, and currently climbing my way out of the spiral. I also realized I was bi. That was fun.
I seriously don't understand how I didn't realize I was bi. I mean, it feels so obvious in hindsight that I have started questioning everything else about myself. But I think that is overall a pretty good thing to do, question yourself. I feel like I know more about myself than I did previously. So that's good.
Is this what growing up feels like? if so, man, I don't know what all these people are complaining about. This is great! I feel like I am in charge of my own life. Well, minus all the social problems and stuff. But screw that for now, I can't change anything if I'm an emotional mess. I feel great. I think I have become a more stable human being. Yay.
I remember that last year, during my graduation, I listened to "Komm Susser Tod" from the evangelion soundtrack. I had just recently finished the show for the first time, and it had an impact on me. If anything, it probably jumpstarted this journey of self reflection and discovery I had this year. I will be going to that same graduation ceremony tomorrow. One of my brothers is graduating. Instead of being on the stage, I'll be in the seats. I think I'll listen to that song again. Think about how far I've come. Mom will probably cry, seeing my sibling graduating. I'll probably cry as well. It wont be because I'm sad. It won't be because I think the world is tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down. My world isn't ending. It's starting.
Okay so I saw "Spiderman: Across the Spiderverse" yesterday in theaters. That was one of the best superhero movies that I have hever seen. If you liked "Into the Spiderverse", GO WATCH THIS MOVIE. If you like unique andimated films and/or superhero films, GO WATCH THIS MOVIE. "Into the spiderverse" was one of the most visually striking movies that had ever been seen im animation, and this movie takes that and dials it up to 11. Just one warning, when this movie was originally announced it was titled "Across the spiderverse: PART 1", so this movie does end on a cliffhanger. But other than that, this movie is still amazing. Like, you remember how when the original film came out, so many people were like "how did they animate this, this looks so fresh and unique and cool". Yeah, this film dials that up to 11. I hope to god the animators were paid well because they deserve it. There is a character that looks like a drawing from the Renaissance except 3d but also 2d and I don't know how they animated it except with hundreds of painstaking hours of work. There is a punk rock spiderman that I don't know what art style they used, or how they even animated him, but I want so much more of it. This movie is so cool. If you can, see this in theatres. Seeing the striking imagery, the great score, the wonderful acting and writing, all of this on the big screen is a great experience. Also, there is so much stuff going on in certain scenes this movie would be activley hard to watch on a smaller screen. Ok done venting. Thank god I only have to wait 9 or so months before the sequel comes out.
I have a bad habit of accidentally spoiling games and tvshows and books while I'm in the middle of reading/watching/playing them. It will usually take me several days to consume a piece of media that isn't a movie or album, and i end up spending a lot of time thinking about it. At that point I end up looking into the fandoms of said work. This causes me to accidentaly spoil some things about a story while i am reading them. A good example is that when I was playing OMORI for the first time, I looked a lot at the subreddit for that game. Thankfully, that fandom is pretty good at hiding the main spoiler for that game. However, I did get some minor plot details spoiled, like some of the stuff that happens in black space, the existance of black space, and i think a few other things. Kind of a bad habit and I need to stop doing it.
I bring this up because I am currently playing Outer Wilds for the first time. Now, unfortunately I wasn't going into this game completely blind. The video that introduced this game to me had incomplete spoilers. However, I think there is still a lot to the game that that video didn't cover. I actually would of further spoiled the game for myself by going onto the subreddit, but funny enough the subreddit is private. apparently several large subreddits are going dark for a few days to protest the decisions of the platform concerning third-party apps. So I guess I have some time to play the game before I spoil myself.
Also, If this is your first time hearing about the game "Outer Wilds", go play it. do it blind. don't look at reviews, don't look up any information other than the steam page / console download page. It is an amazing experience. Use a gamepad if possible, and enjoy the ride. But seriously, this game manages to create a feeling of, i don't know what to call it, existential comfort, that no other piece of media I have ever seen has given me. If you are unsure, just look up the title theme and you should be able to tell if this game is for you or not. I am not going to say anything else until I beat the game. Later
I have a problem with getting work done. When I was a kid, I was one of those people who had a 12th grade reading level in the 2nd grade. Gifted child, smart, great future, etc. What was funny is that I was good enough at getting things done in school that it didn't feel like I had to try. But then the work got harder. I didn't try harder. Now I'm in college, taking one basic class over the summer, and I feel like I can't even do that. It's literally reading, watching videos, doing short knowledge checks, and I can't get myself to care.
That's funny. I was going to say "can't get myself to do it". but i put care. not to do, care. Do I actually even care? Do I really want this? Am i just going along with what other people say, doing what they want, because I don't know what the fuck I want?
No, that's not entirely true. well it is true, but not for the reasons I think. I feel like I cave under pressure whenever something even slightly difficult comes along. an important test I need to study: I spend way too much time doing god knows what instead of actually studying and only getting to it when my ADHD flight or fight kicks in. I wan't to learn how to use a new program like Unity, FL studio, or Blender in order to give me a means of being creative? I give up after a couple hours because I can't get immediate results. I think the only place where this doesn't happen that often is with games, but those are designed to give you dopamine and get you to do challenging tasks. And even then I've got a bad habit of not finishing games that I started.
I've heard that a lot of "gifted children" end up falling off later in life. they never learn how to work hard, and so they can't succeed. I don't want that to be what is happening with me. I CAN'T let this be true for me. I don't want the promise of my life to be going down the drain before I even understood why. I don't want my life to be ruined because society failed me. I don't want it to be true.
I am afraid of things ending. For several years I thought this was some sort of early existential dread, but I only realized late yesterday, while playing Outer Wilds, that I just hated things ending. I'll try not to spoil the game, but a lot of things are ending in outer wilds. You die a lot. and yet, this game seems comfortable about that. It says "Hey, it's okay" when the world is dying. I don't understand that. I think I hate endings because I'm afraid of messing up everything that comes before it. worrying that one day i'll find ten years have gone behind me. That I didn't run and missed the starting gun. I only get one chance. I am afraid of messing it up. And I am terrified that whenever I try to stop that from happening, I give up. Because I never learned.
I'm terrified that I won't get to choose my ending.
I think ........ maybe thinking about it so much is what is causing me to go down this spiral. I remember a scene from "It's such a beautiful day", that don hertzfeldt film that I really like. There is a scene where the main character bill hallucinates himself on his deathbed. He is surrounded by people he doesn't recognize, and feels alone. He thinks to himself that looking back, he was thinking about this moment his whole life. And now that it is here, he can't help but be dissapointed. I don't.... want that to happen.
I just realized, I think part of the reason I am so scared of endings is that I am worried that I could have done it better. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of messing up. I'm scared of failure.
Why am I scared of failure?
because im worried that my life will be ruined if i fail.
Do I really need to be scared of that? Even if my current life trajectory is ruined, I could go so many other ways. I could become a musician, run away to Canada, start a life somewhere else. Heck, maybe I just need to find another career.
but im scared that what im doing will cause other life trajectories to be blocked. i cant start a new life if i have massive amounts of debt. i cant run away to canada if i dont have a way to make money. and good luck becoming a musician when you cant even write a single song.
Maybe this is a self-fufilling prophecy. I am worried that I will fail my current life path, but I should still try my hardest. I will probably do well if I try. And if I don't like it, just choose something different. I'll probably realize that I don't like your path somewhere in my 20's. So I shouldn't worry about wasting that period of my life. Also I might find a partner in college. That is something to look forward to. Just try. Don't be scared. If I can't focus, take a 10 minute break and try again. I can do it.
Sorry for that last section there. I think I accidentally started a conversation with myself, Evangelion style. I think the fact that Outer wilds partially cause me to have this discussion with myself should be a good reason to put it on my favorite games list. I'll do that once I beat the game first, though.
My siblings came back from a trip to Ohio. While they were there they cleaned out my uncle's attic. They found and brought back several things, including a doll that is EXTREMELY fucking creepy. Like, if they said this was a prop from a horror movie one of our relatives worked on, I would have believed them 100%. This thing just stares into your soul. There are only three things I can reasonably do with this. 1, put it in the attic. 2, put it in some other storage space that we don't use. 3, burn it then burn the ashes then smash the ashes with a hammer and burn it again and seal it in a jar and throw it in the trash. Actually I could just mail it back to our uncle.
Anyways I finished Outer Wilds yesterday. Fantastic game. Don't want to talk about it because I don't wan't to ruin someone's experiece with it because this game is best played as blind as possible. It did cause me to re-examine my relationship with death and why it truly scares me. Also the game is actually pretty fun. But no more talking about it. I'll play the DLC later. After I finish my homework.
Ok. had a good week. Finished the DLC, it was just as good as the base game (and if anything i had a slightly better experience as I went in unspoiled). If you haven't played outer wilds go do that as soon as possible. I won't talk about it further. I am kind of tired but I want to write
So the stuff about the submarine that crashed near the titanic was wild. Crazy how people who have the money to buy a house with their pocket money would willingly go into that death trap of a sub. Also the fact that Logitech gaming controllers are half off on amazon is probably the funniest thing about this.
Also I heard something about how Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk are planning to fight each other in a boxing match. I don't think it will actually go down, but if it does it will be one of the funniest fucking things I will ever see. The rich beating themseves up for the entertainment of the poor is such an ironic twist of fate if it was a scene in a movie said movie would be considered extremely unsubtle.
So I found out about the recent supreme court decisions. I guess that's another reason to move to finland or something as soon as I get the chance. Ugh. For some reason I am terrified of this. I haven't felt this way in a while. The last time was probably before I found out I was bi. I think I'm scared because it is something that negativley affects me that I can't control. At least, not on my own. and i do not have the social skills to get people to join the cause. I guess I just have to hope that things will turn out for the better and focus on what I can control: my school work that I have been slacking on.